Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Wherein we wonder at the world

The world is slowly but surely descending into a seething pit of sweaty cluster-fuckery.

Two cases in point, if you will (and trust me, you have very little choice in the matter, so you might as well):

Exhibit A
I was waiting in line at a local purveyor of car fuel to buy some chocolate for Gal on my way home. I noticed that the line was a little longish at the checkout, but that's hardly anything new for me. That particular cross is for another post. Anyway, there is a short burly 50ish woman standing in front of me, doing the 'I'm impatient and important dance'.

Finally she can't take it anymore, having already had to wait the better part of a minute to pay for her gas.

Her: C'mon hurry up already!
Clerk: I'm sorry, the system is down right now. I'm trying to get it going.
Her: Damnit, I'm going to be late for work! Are you going to pay me for my lost time!
Clerk: There's nothing I can do... I'm waiting for it to come back up
Her: (more belligerent) Can't I just fucking give you my credit card number?
Clerk: (insanely polite tone) I'm sorry ma'am there's nothing I can do.
Her: Oh for fuck's sake!

Now, if I had had more than 10 hours of sleep in the previous 48, I would have kept my mouth shut. But...

Me: Look lady, he's doing his best. There's no reason to yell at him.

Then this five foot nothing trogledyte comes around on me with her arm cocked back. She was going to take a swing at me!

The expression of incredulity and irritation on my face must have given her pause, as she fairly quickly dropped her arm. It also might have had something to do with the look of shock on the people behind me in line. I was both pleased and dismayed that I'd gotten someone irritated enough to want to take a poke at me. I'm pretty sure I could have taken her, if I needed to. Sure she probably outweighed me by 30 pounds or more, but I have over a foot of reach on her, and I've been watching UFC a lot this year.

Exhibit B
I'm a bit of a super hero... well not really, but I do have some amazing powers. One I like to call my stupid sense; pretty self-explanatory. It's the ability to anticipate when someone is going to do something stupid that will potentially impact me.

I'm driving tonight, it's dark and rainy. I'm going about 40 kph down a main street, that has dozens of smaller residential streets intersecting with it. A few hundred feet away, I notice a genius running up said side street with a hood up, presumably to keep dry. He's booking it, and my Stupid Sense starts tingling.

Sure enough, he doesn't slow down as he approaches the street I'm on, so I tap my brakes. I lose sight of him as I get closer due to the stupid mini vans parked all along the street. Stupid Senses give a good twinge, and I apply the brake again, and a second later he darts out at full speed from between two vans.

I slam on the brakes and the horn, and stop short of him by about a foot. So naturally, he slams his hands on my hood, 'cause it's my fault he didn't just end up a smear on the ashphalt.

How inconsiderate of me.


Blogger Brian said...

Yeah well, you can't expect the stupid to take responsibility for themselves can you?

5:25 PM, October 14, 2006  

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